Mental illness has been kicking my ass this past week.
Directly after graduation, things were okay. I was able to keep myself on a pretty regular schedule where I’d get up at a decent hour, do my whole morning routine, send out a few job apps, work on content for this blog, take care of the apartment, etc., and get to sleep at a normal hour. Little by little, that started to slip: sleeping until noon and then one and then three PM, only sending out a job app or two a week, letting the apartment get dirty, skipping meals, not being able to sleep…ya’ll get the picture, right?
I’m currently writing this on no sleep. My sleeping schedule is all out of whack, and as I was trying to fall asleep around 3 AM-ish, I kept having those really ugly intrusive thoughts and cried a whole lot (as I do) and decided I was tired of feeling this way. I ended up hopping in the shower to clean off my anxiety attack sweat. I was still full of excessive energy, so I decided to go downstairs to make breakfast since it was morning anyway. At 5:30 AM, I wandered downstairs and realized it was lightly raining and the sun was just starting to come up and I was all fresh and clean and smelled like coconut and honey from my shower and for the first time in a while I felt good. I did some dishes and made a small cup of coffee and a bagel (the best breakfast I’ve had in days). I feel better in that moment than I have felt in a week.
I’m usually pretty good at managing my mental illness (I don’t take meds or see a therapist or anything), but this last week or so (I’ve lost track of days tbh) it’s gotten worse than normal. I’m a work-a-holic, and not having school or a job or a tight schedule has been hard on me. This blog helps, since I have like to keep up my Wednesday and Saturday posting schedule. The lack of responses to job apps, the stress of getting ready to move, and the lack of a daily schedule have really taken a toll on me. I can’t remember struggling this bad with my depression since high school.
I’ve been thinking about the changes I need to make to get myself back on track. I made a nice little to-do list and thought for a bit. I’ve decided to try and take a one-week hiatus from social media starting Monday (tomorrow). I know I’m not currently using it in a healthy way, which is something I’ve never had a problem with before. I know I’m overusing it. I’ve been using it to put off things I really need to do, like make phone calls and send out applications, and things I really want to do, like write posts for this blog or read. Also, with the recent celebrity suicides, there’s been a lot of talk about mental illness and depression all over every social media platform, and the majority of it is more triggering than helpful for me in my current state.
This social media hiatus includes WordPress–I want to stay away from the Internet in general for a while. I’ve been really satisfied with the work I’ve put into this blog and the feedback I’ve gotten since I started posting more after graduation; just so you know, your likes and comments and things like that mean so much to me, especially at times like this when quitting seems so easy.
I know this might be a little bit personal, but if you’ve made it this far, thanks for reading. There won’t be a new post this Wednesday or Saturday, but I should be back on Wednesday 6/20 with something for ya’ll! For now, I really want to take some time for self-care and reflection, and I want to try to get out of this little hole I’ve dug for myself. Like I said, this hiatus starts tomorrow, so I’ll still be around on Twitter and Tumblr and what-not for a bit (trying to soak it all in, ya know?).
That’s all I have for now. See you next week!